Thursday, July 21, 2005

snap, back to reality...

Hey you. Yeah, you.

Come here a sec. I’ve got a question to ask you.

Closer. You may not want other people to hear your answer.

Am I the only person sick as mindfuck of so-called reality tv?

Lately, every time I turn on the tv, I keep asking myself when am I going to find the exit to this part of Dante’s hell.

My gut reaction is that we’re not even close to being done with this shit yet. Not by a long shot. Delve into my brain. Put your rubber boots on first...don’t want to get any of this stuff on your feet, believe me - but come on in and see what I see.

THIS is where I see the direction of reality tv shows.

As television continues to degrade and debase itself all in the name of the almighty dollar and a nod from the great god Nielson, I see society following the same path. Each new season will continue to lower the bar and what amazes me is that I don’t see a massive uprising against it. What the hell is going on that people enjoy contestants eating bull balls or maggots in the name of fear? A show (a SCRIPTED show, I might add) with Paris Hilton and her untrusty sidekick Nicole Richie wasn’t enough. Ohhhoo no. Now we have “I want to be a Hilton.” This show has more losers than a Keno parlor.

How about be yourself, you pathetic waste of breath?

The new line up over the next several years is going to have these concepts:

Each season, the programs delver deeper and deeper into the more intimate areas of people’s lives, all in the name of “reality” programming.

What do you get when you cross the Playboy Mansion, six hot-blooded college boys that have abstained from sex, and six of the most jaw-dropping porn stars in the industry? The sultry women tempt them with their charms, and one by one they’ll fall. There can only be one true... “Last American Virgin.”

It’s Beverly Hillbillies meets The Osbourne in this rip-roaring redneck reality! “Trailerpark Blues” covers the Sloanes and the Riders, two rival families living in the same mobile home community. It’s a hick version of Romeo and Juliet when Cletus Sloane and Becky Rider are caught face down and ass up behind the local Tast-E-Freez.

Someone done you wrong? You’re not mad, you just want to get even? You’ll get your fix when you watch “Served Cold” next season. Whoever gets the most votes for best revenge (judged by a simple .75¢ phone charge from our audience) wins $1,000,000 by the John Giotti Endowment Fund.

Annnnnd watch the all-out brawls that take place in... “The Wedding Ring.” No judge. No attorneys. Just an ass-whooping, winner-takes-all between the Divorcer and the Divorcee in a barbed wire cage match. Every round we raise the stakes, adding new challenges like pit bulls, poisonous green mambas, and large farm animals in rutting season.

And I have no idea why the adult film industry hasn’t tackled reality shows yet. On the other hand, I can’t get the Spice Channel anymore, so hell, they may have.

The new show sponsored by Merck Pharmaceuticals that’s spawned a gambling phenomenon...six retired athletes, the youngest of which is a fit and trim sixty-five. Six escorts on out-call. Five tablets, dubbed The Little Blue Miracle Pill.
Let the odds begin. See animal instinct and years of steroid deposits kick in as the aging athletes compete for the key to their carnal satisfaction.

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I got roped into watching Joe Millionaire, and I’ve had quite a few laughs from watching The Osbournes a few times. But reality??? Come onnn people. Have our lives become so banal and boring that we attempt to lose ourself in other people’s banal and boring lives? Whatever happened to losing ourselves between the pages of a good book? Our society has become lazy and fast-paced and impatient all at the sametime. Most people want their entertainment in 1/2 hour or hour doses, and the only work they want to do for it is to push the channel button on the remote.

Despite the overwhelming numbers that the Potter books have generated (and no matter what you may say, Rowling got kids to read books larger than most of their heads), book sales are down and TIVO sales are up.

Mark my words, these ideas will happen. You can steal them... but throw me a bone, would ya? You can take all the credit, and believe me when I tell you... there’s more ideas where these came from. I just need to figure out what morals to throw away next.

bob going-to-read-a-fucking-book ford