Today I woke to the morning sun and for the first time in my life, I felt the weight of years upon me.
To say that there's been a lot of changes going on recently is, to be honest, the understatement of the year. All around me it seems as if there's an undercurrent in the tide of life.
One of my best friends and his wife just had a baby. It's been a long, rough road to get there, but they had a son and everyone's doing fine. I can't begin to describe how happy I am for them because I know they've wanted this for so long. And quoting the Bible, and Lorenzo Carcaterra, and my brother Doug's speech at my wedding... what happens to the least of my brothers happens to me.
Their joy and happiness is mine.
Another of my best friends... she's finding happiness among chaos. Her life is a mixture of thunderstorms and sunny days, but it seems as if she's finally finding herself at a time of calm and peace... the springtime of her life.
Her happiness is mine in so many ways.
My children are healthy. My son is changing and developing... to have him alone with me at times, I feel as if he's already a young man filled with a great sense of humor and a healthy respect for things that he should be respecting, though he's still young and just registered for school this week.
My daughter... well... my daughter continues along her path amidst my constant amazement. She's sensitive and silly and simply amazing. She continues to reveal her creative talents with art and writing. Her current story is for a contest and if I do say so myself, is pretty damn good. She's been published twice this year in the local newspaper and we share a wink each time she gets in. I'm proud of her.
And amidst it all, I feel the weight of years.
It's not age. Age - physical age - has never bothered me. I've never understood why people get their knickers in a twist over physical age. The big 30. The big 40. The big 50. So fucking what?
I've always felt you're as old as you feel. Most days I feel around 13.
But lately, the weight of years has been feeling heavy on my shoulders.
They say wisdom comes with years, but I don't know. I've seen some pretty dumb-ass old people too, so I'm not sure that theory holds water. I think wisdom comes from recognizing when you or others around you fuck up. You can try to roll that knowledge off at times... but only if it's accepted. If not, it only comes off as being preachy and giving a sermon.
Thing is... people have to learn from their own mistakes. Hell, I never used to think so, but I think now, it's almost the only way to truly learn. And no matter your age... mental, physical... you never stop. Only thing you can do is recognize... accept... and try to correct whatever you see. Sometimes... even against the most heartfelt advice... you have to pack things away. It's the only way to survive... the only way to feel lighter, though you still carry that burden deep inside.
And that burden becomes the weight of your own years. The weight we all carry over time. Some days I just wonder why it has to feel so heavy.
Recent Reads: The Indifference of Heaven, Gary Braunbeck.
If I'm to be honest here, I have to say that I liked it... I didn't love it. I'd heard so much about this book and Gary's writing but it didn't affect me like it has many others. There were a few passages in it that I absolutely LOVED. But overall... eh.
Current Read: Heart Shaped Box, Joe Hill.
Oh... it's got a hook, all right. I'll keep ya posted.
Recent Movie: Eastern Promises. Yep. Cronenberg directs a great flick here... very well written script and the direction carries it well. Viggo kicks ass in it.
Current Music: The Zutons, Tired of Hanging Around. Two tracks: Valerie and I know I'll Never Leave have got me listening to the whole cd.
And NIN: Ghosts. Ohhhh Trent. Quite a little mindfuck here and some superb stuff to listen to while I'm writing. Thanks...
Springtime and what that fever does to people.
Current Frustration: (edited by author) No... I don't think I'm going into that here.
Had a bit of a derailment lately with writing because of several large work projects, but am back on Samson and Denial... you'll get a peek soon.