Monday, December 24, 2007

The Girl Next Door

I am an addict and I accept this.

I'm almost done my second cup of coffee for the day, so physically the caffeine is kicking in and I feel whole and complete on that regard.

Mentally I'm still bits of broken glass.

This month has been out of control with work. It feels like I've gotten around eight hours of sleep this month. Emotions have been riding some serious highs and lows. And not to sound all biblical, but this too, shall pass.

Regardless, I've been getting even less sleep than normal. I've been writing in broken snips but not enough to really vent anything. Not enough to exorcize any demons that have been building up.

Little things impact me harder when this happens... expanded through some mental magnifying glass way beyond their normal scope of things.

It's Christmas Eve and I'm working today. At least for a while. There's shit that needs done and it won't happen by itself.

But last night I took a break. But in my mental state it probably wasn't such a wise choice to watch Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door.

I am bits of broken glass.

When I first read the book, I was late to the game. I'd heard about it, but no one would really tell me anything about it. The only thing that was revealed to me was that it was based on a true story, though no one would tell me what the true story was about.

I never knew what hit me. That book took the core of me and slapped it around, recycling it into something else. Any innocence I had left in me at the time had a chunk more carved off, never to return.

You've heard the saying, When you dance with the devil, the devil don't change. The devil changes you. Once you see certain things, you can't un-see them.

Ketchum's book and the movie are like that. It's a great cast. Very well directed. And the girl. My god, the girl.

Go read the book. Go watch the movie.

But don't say I didn't warn you first.

Current reads:
Tucker Max: I hope they serve Beer in Hell.
Tucker is an arrogant, womanizing, alcoholic, and quite possibly one of the funniest writers I've ever read. That he's simply recounting his own personal exploits doesn't diminish the humor. I don't recall the last time I was crying and fumbling badly at actually speaking words when I attempted to read a story out loud.

Joe Hill: 20th Century Ghosts
Holy shit. This collection is... y'know what? Fuck it. Quit reading my blog and go get it. Let's just say that with Joe, the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. Pop Art and The Black Phone are my own personal standouts.

Hunter S. Thompson: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
It's been a while since I've read this, and I needed some sort of drug-inspired, literary bukkake to take me as far away from work mind as possible. Gonzo never fails.

A mutt-mix of everything. Rap, classical, acoustic... even some oddball Romanian gypsy music. Only thing that I don't think I've listened to lately is twang-country and polka, but hey, the month's not over yet.

Current Infatuation:
Too goddamn busy to have infatuations right now.

Hope you all have a happy holiday...

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Saga Part II: The Chipmunk Rigor

I thought I'd gone overboard with Mary, but no, she was just being coy and hard to get. I received this today and as promptly as I could, replied back:


I'm sorry to hear you business is not doing well. I spoke to Mr. Abiola Williams, the present officer in charge of operations at BANCO DE ORO UNIVERSAL BANK and I am reviewing the paperwork for the transfer sum of (120,000,000) U.S.D. one hundred and twenty million dollar of which I intend to make you the beneficiary of the funds.

This money in question belongs to a deceased foreign contractor in Nigeria of which I know 100% well that the money is hanging loose and unclaimed within the Central Bank of Nigeria Territory. Due to my current position as a present worker in the bank and also a Civil servant I cannot lay claim on this money.

I intend to part you with 20% of the total sum, for your assistance while 80% will be my own cut of the deal. Every record concerning this funds and all legal contract documents backing the funds are in my possession.

Please, my good friend, i want you to limit this matter personally to yourself, whatever your decision might be, all correspondence must be through this mail box or my private number at 234-42-255873. This deal is 100% risk free I look forward to hearing from you soonest.

thinking you in anticipation,
Mary Ellaine Manguerra Villanueva

My Dearest Mary,

I'm SO happy to hear back from you. I've been known to be forward sometimes. Other times I reveal too much of myself (I only got arrested once for it, but I was on the merry-go-round, so I guess I deserved it).

I also thought maybe I'd scared you away after learning of the type of work I do. In fact, just today I finished stuffing the cutest set of chipmunks. They are all at a tiny little table with green felt top, holding tiny little cards in their tiny little paws. They all have the cutest smiles on their rigor stiff faces. I would make one and send it to you, but I'm not sure how they would hold up in the heat in Nigeria. I'm afraid they would end up smelling like a Taco Bell bathroom in August by the time they arrived.

One hundred and twenty million dollars is a lot of money here in the states. I'll bet you and I could have a lot of fun drinking beer at the bowling alley and having dinner at the Famous Hot Wiener. It would be so much fun to buy everyone a round - we would be the talk of the trailer park, I bet. ha ha.

I'm so glad that your offer is legal and that you have all the contract documents. It's so hard to believe everything people say these days. Each year I run to my mailbox to get a letter from that Ed McMahon fellow because he says I could have already won. But so far, nothing. I don't really like him or his belly laugh anyway, so I'm really glad you are bringing this offer to me, so's I don't have to worry with him anymore.

Mary, I'm glad you think of me as a good friend. I'm not sure I feel comfortable keeping this only to myself though. I share all my secrets with Gibby. He's my best buddy and it just wouldn't feel right keeping things from him. He's been real good about keeping that thing we done with the peanut butter and no clothes, quiet. But I guess since you'll be coming to the states, I won't need to worry with that no more neither.

You take a lot of worrisome things off my plate Mary. You're a good girl, but like I said before, you're naughty too, just like I like 'em. Like my pappy used to say, I like my wimmen like I like my chicken, a little bit of fat on the end. Not too much and not too little, just enough to make me grin.

I am also thinking of you in anticipation,
let me know how I may move ahead with things and I will give you a deposit and a withdrawal (ha ha... see, I can be a naughty boy too)


Monday, December 03, 2007

The Saga Begins

Well, friends, today I've gotten a lovely spam email from none other than Miss. Mary Ellaine Manguerra Villanueva. I've gotten emails from her before, and probably her sister, from the Nigerian Bank, with an offer for me to take 10% of her 20 million dollar bank transfer (apparently her husband was a wealthy prince and passed away recently).

Since I need some entertainment, especially since Brian Keene's Hail Saten blog is down, I'm low on coffee and feel particularly evil right now, I've decided to secretly switch Mary's crazy pills with StarBurst fruit flavor candies and write back. Let's see how how this plays out.

This is Mary's email:

Good Day,

Let me start by introducing myself, I am Miss. Mary Ellaine Manguerra Villanueva, an ACCOUNTS OFFICER with the BANCO DE ORO UNIVERSAL BANK. I am writing you this letter based on the latest development at my bank which I will like to bring to your personal edification.

This is a legitimate transaction and you will be paid 20% for your "Assistance".If you are interested, please write back

Kind Regards,
Miss. Mary Ellaine Villanueva

And my response:

Hello and Good Day to you, Mary Ellaine Manguerra Villanueva.

Wow! That's some handle you've got there... how long did it take you to learn to write your full name as a child?

It must be tough having a name that long on your business card, but I guess someone with a title like "Accounts Officer" at the Banco De Oro Universal Bank can pretty much choose the size of their business card as they see fit, right? Right? Come on, be honest. You've got a staff of peons waiting to do your bidding, don't you? You're a naughty girl. I knew there was something about you. I can tell from your letter. But that's okay. You're not stuffy and uptight like the other executives.

I'm curious about the latest development at your bank, although I'm not sure what an edification is. My uncle had constipation once, but I don't see how that works into banking matters.

I am very interested in the 20% part. Lately work as a taxidermist here has been slow. People just aren't taking down game like they used to, although the neighbors down the road in WaterCress Mobile Park brought me a opossum last week to work on. It turned out well, though it's smile sort of looks like George Bush when he's speaking about the war or oil.

I have to run for now - time to feed the Chitlins (they're dirty little vermin, but it's a living until I get a fancy business card too) but I look forward to hearing more about your transaction and how I may assist you.