Monday, December 21, 2009

It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?

We dance around the ring and suppose.
The secret sits in the middle and knows.
Robert Frost

Today is December 21, 2009.

Interesting date, December 21. The Mayan's believe the end of times is coming on this date in a couple of years. It's also my brother Doug's birthday.

Some celebs were born today. Frank Zappa. Samuel Jackson.

And today, I've been married for thirteen years.

Thirteen years. Holy shit. Where'd the time go? What happened to them? Mentally, I'm still about a nine year old boy, but there are days... oh, there are days when I feel so old. Much older than I should.

See, I'm in the process of not being married anymore. It's been a long haul. There were a lot of things along the way we could've done... should've done... and didn't.

We have some great memories. Some really amazing ones, actually. Tiny, quiet little moments and great big giant ones with a bullhorn attached. Laughs with friends and loved ones, and awkward times where neither of us knew what to say or do anymore.

And yeah, some tough times and bad moments to get us here.

Along the road, we brought two absolutely amazing children into this world. Two kids who bring the laughter and maddening insanity only children can summon. But they're incredibly in their own right. It's amazing and a bit unsettling at times to see the qualities they've picked up from both of us - both emotionally and odd sorts of innate talent.

Each time I look at them, I can't help but thank the path of the Universe for guiding me where I've been so that my children could breathe the same air as me, and show me how to see the world through their eyes. Just to share life with them.

I'm not as talented as my grandfather. That man could not only recall the event, but the day it happened on. But I have a memory that allows me to relive the shared moments. I relish all of them.

The bad memories... well. As I've gotten older, I've learned it's better to just let the bad memories go. Yes, they effect you as a person. They change who you are and how you feel. They can sometimes crumble you to bits of ivory at the edge of a tower or turn you to salt to blow away in an October wind.

No one can make you happy, but you. It's as simple as that but it does take quite a few years in life to learn that one. Hell, some never do.

I'll admit, in my life, I've been lucky in love. I've had heart break, of course. No one who's truly lived life hasn't had their heart broken. If you haven't... you haven't risked enough... loved enough or thrown caution to the wind.

Let us be crazy reckless & wild. If you are too careful both love & God will escape you. Rumi

I've always been forthright - when I felt I was ready - in telling people I was in love with them. Sometimes that worked out and sometimes it hasn't, but y'know what? I've never regretted telling someone I loved them. Not ever.

Oh hell, sometimes the realization they didn't love me back hurt like a swarm of black hearted bees driving right into the core of my heart. Sometimes, the girls smiled a funny little smile and I saw love reflected back in their faces. Sometimes they told me they'd pack it away for the future. Either way, I was happy with the fact they knew where I was coming from. What they did with that knowledge was up to them.

Some took it and ran with me. Others had their reasons and buried their feelings like precious treasure for a rainy day. A rare few felt absolutely nothing beyond friendship toward me and that was something I had to swallow and deal with.

Whether I got my heart shattered or not, I thank each and every woman of my past. You've all taught me lessons in life. Some were a hell of a lot more painful than others, but they were all earned.

But then again, isn't that what life is all about? Learning lessons? Doing what you can to teach others the same? Oh, I've had my mistakes. Hell, I know damn well I'll have more than my share before I push up daisies. But the ones I've learned from - I try to help others not make the same mistakes.

In a handful of days, it'll be a new year and I'll be writing an end-of-year blog. Some view a new year as a clean slate. Starting fresh.

I don't know about that anymore. I used to think along the same lines. I'd post thoughts about a year of change and predict Ka like the wind, but it never seemed to come to fruition. Maybe I wanted it too much. Longed for it more than I should... and just had to let go.

Every year - every second - is breathing fresh air and starting anew. Each minute is a choice. Each moment is precious and it's up to you to decide what to do with it.

A much wiser hippie than me was quoted as saying "Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans." No truer words have ever been spoken. The irony is that incredible man was John Lennon and he was gunned down in his prime on December 8, 1980... while he was busy making other plans.

Ka came to me when I least expected it... no longer believed in it, to be honest. But, nonetheless, it came down on me like a freight train.

Life is a path and though it may feel otherwise, we each travel alone. We plant what we can, harvest when we're able, and along the way we learn about the gardens of our heart.

So today, the 21st of December, I celebrate my lessons learned. My life path has taken me places I never thought I'd go. Some filled with happiness beyond belief. Others could create a sea filled with tears.

And blessed, or cursed, I still have the memories. I still have the lessons. Each moment, I'm still learning... and I'm the better person for it all.


Blogger Steve said...

God bless the broken road . . .

12:28 AM  
Blogger Joseph Mulak said...

Why is whenever you write one of these inspiring posts, it happens to be something I needed to read at that moment (although, I usually don't know I need to read until afterward LOL)?

The part about bad memories really hit home with me. Christmas time and New Years are a source of very bad memories for me, which is probably why I've come to loathe the holiday season and wish I could just sleep through it every year. Maybe it's time I let those bad memories go and learn to enjoy myself with everyone else instead of spending my time thinking about how much I hate it.


10:28 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

Steve: bless it indeed.

Joseph: Heheh... oh, timing is everything I suppose. And so true... there comes a time when you can choose to hang on, or set those old, painful thoughts down like luggage. Glad this post hit the mark for you, pal. Here's to making 2010 a luggage-free zone, eh?

9:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

1:48 AM  

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