Monday, December 03, 2007

The Saga Begins

Well, friends, today I've gotten a lovely spam email from none other than Miss. Mary Ellaine Manguerra Villanueva. I've gotten emails from her before, and probably her sister, from the Nigerian Bank, with an offer for me to take 10% of her 20 million dollar bank transfer (apparently her husband was a wealthy prince and passed away recently).

Since I need some entertainment, especially since Brian Keene's Hail Saten blog is down, I'm low on coffee and feel particularly evil right now, I've decided to secretly switch Mary's crazy pills with StarBurst fruit flavor candies and write back. Let's see how how this plays out.

This is Mary's email:

Good Day,

Let me start by introducing myself, I am Miss. Mary Ellaine Manguerra Villanueva, an ACCOUNTS OFFICER with the BANCO DE ORO UNIVERSAL BANK. I am writing you this letter based on the latest development at my bank which I will like to bring to your personal edification.

This is a legitimate transaction and you will be paid 20% for your "Assistance".If you are interested, please write back

Kind Regards,
Miss. Mary Ellaine Villanueva

And my response:

Hello and Good Day to you, Mary Ellaine Manguerra Villanueva.

Wow! That's some handle you've got there... how long did it take you to learn to write your full name as a child?

It must be tough having a name that long on your business card, but I guess someone with a title like "Accounts Officer" at the Banco De Oro Universal Bank can pretty much choose the size of their business card as they see fit, right? Right? Come on, be honest. You've got a staff of peons waiting to do your bidding, don't you? You're a naughty girl. I knew there was something about you. I can tell from your letter. But that's okay. You're not stuffy and uptight like the other executives.

I'm curious about the latest development at your bank, although I'm not sure what an edification is. My uncle had constipation once, but I don't see how that works into banking matters.

I am very interested in the 20% part. Lately work as a taxidermist here has been slow. People just aren't taking down game like they used to, although the neighbors down the road in WaterCress Mobile Park brought me a opossum last week to work on. It turned out well, though it's smile sort of looks like George Bush when he's speaking about the war or oil.

I have to run for now - time to feed the Chitlins (they're dirty little vermin, but it's a living until I get a fancy business card too) but I look forward to hearing more about your transaction and how I may assist you.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are so not right in the head...


7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DYING to see if you get a response!

I get at least one of those offers a day in my email, those and the UK Lottery.

I've written back on occasion, nothing nice and never get any response.

You are delightfully evil sometimes.

11:30 PM  

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