Thursday, December 06, 2007

Saga Part II: The Chipmunk Rigor

I thought I'd gone overboard with Mary, but no, she was just being coy and hard to get. I received this today and as promptly as I could, replied back:


I'm sorry to hear you business is not doing well. I spoke to Mr. Abiola Williams, the present officer in charge of operations at BANCO DE ORO UNIVERSAL BANK and I am reviewing the paperwork for the transfer sum of (120,000,000) U.S.D. one hundred and twenty million dollar of which I intend to make you the beneficiary of the funds.

This money in question belongs to a deceased foreign contractor in Nigeria of which I know 100% well that the money is hanging loose and unclaimed within the Central Bank of Nigeria Territory. Due to my current position as a present worker in the bank and also a Civil servant I cannot lay claim on this money.

I intend to part you with 20% of the total sum, for your assistance while 80% will be my own cut of the deal. Every record concerning this funds and all legal contract documents backing the funds are in my possession.

Please, my good friend, i want you to limit this matter personally to yourself, whatever your decision might be, all correspondence must be through this mail box or my private number at 234-42-255873. This deal is 100% risk free I look forward to hearing from you soonest.

thinking you in anticipation,
Mary Ellaine Manguerra Villanueva

My Dearest Mary,

I'm SO happy to hear back from you. I've been known to be forward sometimes. Other times I reveal too much of myself (I only got arrested once for it, but I was on the merry-go-round, so I guess I deserved it).

I also thought maybe I'd scared you away after learning of the type of work I do. In fact, just today I finished stuffing the cutest set of chipmunks. They are all at a tiny little table with green felt top, holding tiny little cards in their tiny little paws. They all have the cutest smiles on their rigor stiff faces. I would make one and send it to you, but I'm not sure how they would hold up in the heat in Nigeria. I'm afraid they would end up smelling like a Taco Bell bathroom in August by the time they arrived.

One hundred and twenty million dollars is a lot of money here in the states. I'll bet you and I could have a lot of fun drinking beer at the bowling alley and having dinner at the Famous Hot Wiener. It would be so much fun to buy everyone a round - we would be the talk of the trailer park, I bet. ha ha.

I'm so glad that your offer is legal and that you have all the contract documents. It's so hard to believe everything people say these days. Each year I run to my mailbox to get a letter from that Ed McMahon fellow because he says I could have already won. But so far, nothing. I don't really like him or his belly laugh anyway, so I'm really glad you are bringing this offer to me, so's I don't have to worry with him anymore.

Mary, I'm glad you think of me as a good friend. I'm not sure I feel comfortable keeping this only to myself though. I share all my secrets with Gibby. He's my best buddy and it just wouldn't feel right keeping things from him. He's been real good about keeping that thing we done with the peanut butter and no clothes, quiet. But I guess since you'll be coming to the states, I won't need to worry with that no more neither.

You take a lot of worrisome things off my plate Mary. You're a good girl, but like I said before, you're naughty too, just like I like 'em. Like my pappy used to say, I like my wimmen like I like my chicken, a little bit of fat on the end. Not too much and not too little, just enough to make me grin.

I am also thinking of you in anticipation,
let me know how I may move ahead with things and I will give you a deposit and a withdrawal (ha ha... see, I can be a naughty boy too)



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh My Goddess!

I can barely breathe from laughing so hard! Did she even READ your first letter?!


12:04 PM  

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