Thursday, May 04, 2006

mickey mouse and broken trust

It's been over a month since I've written anything on this blog; I think the longest stretch I've had without posting. I've tried a bunch of times but nothing seemed to flow; the words seemed clunky and out of order.

I'm sure the tiny handful of you who read this are scratching your head and wondering what in the hell that title means. But I'm not going to tell you. Sometimes you share the fruits of your labor with the world for all to see... other times
you have to keep the garden you tend all by yourself.

So, no. I won't tell you what that means. If you know, you know. And if you don't, you don't.

What I will talk about is connections.

There are three men I've known for close to twenty years and I don't consider them my friends. I don't consider them acquaintances. And if you know the majority of my family, you'd realize why I don't really consider them family either. I mean, if I told you about my Uncle Squeek alone, you'd probably... no. That's another story for another time.

I don't see these three men nearly often enough. The day to day ornaments of marriage and fatherhood and life in general have weighed things down to where it's become impossible for all of us to spend as much time laughing together as we used to. Each of us are tending our own gardens.

But I'd lay down in traffic for each of them without question.

I've tried explaining to others that these are the type of men who, if I got a knock at three in the morning telling me there was a body in the trunk of their car...

well, I'd get dressed, grab gloves and a shovel and figure out where to hide it at.

They're the type of men who, with a glance, can throw me into hysterical laughter; with a badly timed action, can have me shaking my head in dismay.

With a single sentence in an email, can make me well with tears and know that the opposite is true of them as well - that what I feel for them is what they feel for me.

So, no... friends, family, brothers... those terms don't quite apply.

I've been going through a very dark time in my life as of late and on this side of it, I now see the threads and themes and contexts that have permeated everything I do. Titles of stories I'm working on. Themes, phrases...

See, the thing is... I know I have some great connections with people. I know they're there.

But that's not enough to know they're there. You have to actually "connect" in order to have a connection.

Without them... nothing else matters. No amount of trinkets or cash or women or cars or anything material under the sun.

But with them... oh... with them, colors are more saturated, foods taste richer, songs take meaning, a hawk streaking across the sky is meant just for you. And light begins to shine in that dark place.

Sometimes you have to lose the connections you have in order to know you have it at all.

take care of yourselves and now that the light's on, I promise I'll write again soon.


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