Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Sci-Crack Channel

Varmint Status update:
no ground hogs on land.

I knew that crack is a serious drug problem in our society but until recently, I had no idea just how far up the social ladder it affects us all.

Recent evidence has shown that crack has not only invaded the economically devastated inner cities but also the... upper echelon if you will, at the executive level in the professional workplace.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Oh sure, in the poor areas, the ghettos and forgotten places of our cities, OF COURSE it's a problem. But business executives? Surely you jest? What evidence could you possibly have to validate that?"

Remember when Mtv used to be great? Nothin' but music videos. It really was a music channel. Then it got eaten by execs waving crack pipes in the air like villagers for frankenstein and the programming was replaced by reality shows, bikini contests, Cribs and almost everything that wasn't a music video. Eventually the viewers asked wtf and how did the suits respond?

Mtv 2. But I digress a little. Because Mtv isn't what I'm talking about today. No, I love my music too, but I'm talking about a desecration of herculean proportions.

C'mere. No, closer. Look at this tv listing in today's paper. Past the Lifetime channel and the Gameshow network (wtf?? are you serious with this? an entire CHANNEL of gameshows?) and let your gaze move on down to the Sci-Fi Channel.

See that listing there? The one in bold helvetica that reads "ECW Live Action."
Yeah, that one.
Know what that is?
A couple months back they were running Passions. I scanned across this early in the morning before I took a drink of coffee and thought I was hallucinating. Because Passions is a frigging soap opera.

The only conclusion I've arrived at is that the top tier of programming execs are carrying around a glass dick filled with crack rocks and eking out their days in a euphoric drug-incuded rush while they sit around fancy cherry wood tables and discuss how much more they can fuck things up with their fan base.

Crack addiction has led to these fine examples of recent programming on the Sci-Fi Channel - keep in mind these are ORIGINAL PICTURES FROM SCI-FI.
Two college students desperate to lose their virginity discover that the two prettiest girls on campus are actually dangerous, shapeshifting alien monsters. (I would rather have lost my virginity to an open bottle of bleach than endure this plot line.)

Tail Sting
A pack of genetically enhanced scorpions gets loose aboard a passenger plane. (Please, sting me now repeatedly before I'm able to see a clip of this.)

When volcanic eruptions threaten to annihilate Earth's surface, Michael Dorn and Luke Perry (yeah, THAT Luke Perry) lead a perilous repair mission to the world's core.

Black Hole
An artificial black hole, created in a St. Louis lab, threatens the earth with unchecked expansion. As if that wasn't enough (no, really) disaster for Kristy Swanson and Judd Nelson (oh Judd... Judd.. why hath thou forsaken me? This is not the John Bender I used to know and love) they have to track down an energy monster that escapes from the black hole's space-time fissure, because the rampaging beast is the only way to close the singularity.

Do you see how this horrible addiction is affecting their minds?

Please, please, I beg of thee, stop the madness. Help the professionals at Sci-Fi Channel get off the pipe. Help them come back to reality. Help them realize that it's not okay to mix Twilight Zone with large sweaty men in tights and too much hair gel. It's not okay to mash plotlines together like Play-Doh and expect something good to come out of it.

Please forward this link to the poor unfortunate suits at the Sci-Fi Channel so that they can rid themselves of their addiction.


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