Thursday, March 11, 2010


Can't stop the spirits when they need you.
This life is more than just a read through.

RHCP - Can't Stop

Hi love. It's been a while, I know.

I've been... busy. Busy considering things worth considering and thinking things worth thinking.

One of the most difficult things about going through a divorce is the breaking down of everything you've helped build. Material things of course... finances, investments; things both of you worked on to ensure a future together.

But it's also the intangibles. The memories you shared. Vacations and backyard cookouts. Weddings you attended. Funerals you went to. Late nights and early mornings of quiet little moments only the both of you know about. Laughter. Tears. Intimate moments and bigger than life events, all dumped out to be sifted through. You go through each memory one by one and file them away for safe keeping. This one goes here for some bittersweet nostalgia. That one goes there for a lesson learned. That other one... we'll just sweep that under the rug and let it get dusty. Every little piece of every little thing comes with a background attached.

It's a complete and utter dismantling of your life. Walls built to protect yourself and keep the pain out crumble to pebbles at your feet. You realize you have to learn to be an individual. You have to figure out what that means again.

You're no longer a husband or a wife. You're not the other half. The significant other.

Significant other. Cliché term these days. But the whole thing tends to make you feel very insignificant.

Some days I looked in the mirror and wondered who the hell was staring back. It took a while before I began to recognize who I am again. Somewhere along the way I'd lost myself.

You tear apart, you push here, pull there and stuff everything in unwieldy little boxes until it's done. You throw yourself into the process itself until you're finished, and then step back and breathe a sigh of relief.

"Well, glad that's over with."

But then you realize the process was keeping you busy. It was holding your attention so you didn't have to think about other things for a while. After that, you have no choice but to look at your reflection in the mirror and take a long hard look because - and this is the really important part - you now have only one choice left if you're planning on hanging around a while.

It's time to rebuild.

Lay down some brand new walls where you'd like them to be. Choose wisely... learn from the past lessons. The past mistakes. Make a strong foundation. Don't forget to put a few windows to let the sun in this time. Maybe a few secret doorways to let people in or to let you hide if the time comes.

You begin to remember once again where your passion lies. Where your heart does. You remember how sun light looks behind closed eyes; how a warm spring wind feels against bare skin.

You've been dismantled, broken down to your very essence and like a phoenix from the flames, you rise again to dance under the sun.

You remember. It's different. It's the same.

But you remember.

I remember.

Current Reads:
The Resurrectionist - Wrath James White
Just finished this and it's a kick ass novel. I thoroughly enjoyed it from beginning to end. Ruthless, raw, and entertaining.

Reading The Raw Shark Texts - Steven Hall
To be perfectly honest, I bought this because of all the hype behind it. The high dollar bidding war. The fast as hell movie option, and all the buzz. So far it's a great read. Enthralling and odd ball crazy in a Matrix meets Being John Malkovich sort of way. I'm mid-way through and racing toward the end.

Current Music:
Oh hell, I've got some great new things lately and they all kick ass.

Flogging Molly - Live at the Greek Theatre
(One fun as hell band full of drunk Irish men)

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Beat the Devil's Tattoo
(Growling kick ass guitar riffs as usual)

Johnny Cash - American VI: Ain't no Grave
(If you don't have this yet, you should go out behind the house and kick your own ass because you deserve it)


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