Saturday, July 29, 2006

Of course, you know...

1 quart of Hydrogen Peroxide
2 tablespoons of baking soda
1 tablespoon of dish liquid

This is a recipe for bathing a dog who has been sprayed by a skunk.

Why, you may ask, would I need to know this?

Because the groundhog has returned and he brought back-up with him.

My back yard, approximately 8:00; the final moments of the sun's glow were filtering through the trees. I had a glass of wine in my hand. My dog was dropping some friends off on the lawn. He finished with his usual dramatic flair; spinning out grass behind him. When suddenly, he spotted something.

He turned and tucked his legs like a greyhound on crystal meth, going full throttle after some uninvited guest on our property.

It all happened in slow motion.

A smudge of something black and white from the lilacs. Something large, bushy... something like the head of Don King with an obscene pink sphincter at its center.

My wife saw it and as she voiced the question, "What's that?"

I raised my arm and heard my own voice in slo-mo. "Nooooooooo!"

But it was too late.

My dog rolled over onto the grass, already sneezing and sniffling and trying his best to bury his nose somewhere else, anywhere else than nature's mustard gas. I could almost here him respond in doggy slo-mo, "Man down!" as he rolled over and over on the lawn.

Then everything kicked into ultra high-speed.

The flurry smudge of black and I ran away from each other. Him, presumably to find a hiding place. Me, to get my 9mm.
A clip in place, and another in hand, I ran around the barn to find the culprit. But, like Nickolaus Pacione's story lines, he was nowhere to be found.

But I did see his accomplice had moved back in. A new hole has been dug, this time, the dirt looks like it was thrown out in an angry fit of determination.

No perp to be found, I came back inside and after a trip to the grocery store that involved the same cashier I twice had to buy Nix lice removal from earlier this year (I literally saw her biting her lip to keep herself from laughing after I asked her if the store sold anything to help a dog who had gotten sprayed by a skunk). Hydrogen Peroxide in hand, I scrubbed my dog down with the paste mixed from the recipe. This succeeded in taking his stench down from Five blocks of South Queen Street to only One block of South Queen Street.

Think... fermented hot dog water strained into a solution of kerosene and camel urine left to heat up in the August sun and you'll get an idea of what he smells like now. I'll be giving him another bath in the morning after my anger boils off a little.

A groundhog and a skunk.

Y'know, it's not like I live that far out in the country. Not like I live in Hazzard county or something.

A groundhog and a goddamn skunk.

I'm being stalked by the Laurel and Hardy of the animal kingdom.

In the words of Bugs Bunny...
"Of course you know... this means war."


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