Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Pepe Must Die


All right, here's the set up.

Kelli Dunlap and I had only gotten back from an incredible trip to NECON a few hours before. We were sitting on the porch reading random twitters and having a little pow wow as that was her last night before flying back home.

As we were sitting there, we heard noises close to my barn and heard something pulling on the raspberry bushes. A flash of white and it disappeared. I ran behind my barn and listened, heard more rustling in the bushes and I clapped my hands a few times.

This is obviously a sound that Pepe does not like because he came barreling around the barn, tail raised high, prepared to use his ass strength to obliterate me.

I'm not too proud to say that I screamed like a school girl and cussed like a dock worker as I ran back to the porch.

Kelli, my wife Jen and I shared a giggle and they both noted they didn't know I could run that fast. Neither did I.

** side bar:
Later on, Jen went to bed and Kelli and I watched a truck pull into the cemetery next door. An old man got out, leaving the truck's headlights on, and walked to a headstone. Moments later a young boy of around ten years old got out too and they talked. The man put something on top of one of the headstones, then they both got back in the truck and left.

This left our muses freaking out with many questions, so we of course grabbed a flashlight and went next door to see what the hell that was all about. We explored for a bit and talked about dead priests and some freaky spots (told ya Kelli, didn't I?) in the cemetery and wandered back to the barn.

No sooner than Kelli had spoken a few sentences about a mausoleum on the far corner of the cemetery then we heard rustling in the bushes behind us.

It was then that I witnessed the patented Dunlap levitation trick. Somehow she was beside me talking one moment, then in a split second, levitated completely behind me, grabbed my shoulders and was using me as a human shield.

This maneuver does not bode well for my future if she and I are ever in a hostage situation together and has thus been duly noted.

At this point, we didn't waste time getting back to the house.

Last night was largely uneventful, but tonight, after the kids were in bed, Jen and I were outside on the porch talking. It was dark and in the shadow line of our porch light, I saw a small patch of white by the kids swingset.

This was less than ten feet away from us.

Pepe... is NOT respecting the circle.

Okay... now let me paint a picture for you.

Me in the dark with a small flashlight and a pistol I haven't shot in roughly seven years trying to shoot a moving target that could make me stink enough to knock a buzzard off a shit cart.

I came around the side of the barn with the flashlight and saw him there.

He looked at me.

I looked at him.

I drew.

I fired.

And emptied the entire clip into the dirt as he danced like Michael Jackson into the field.

At this point I realized I'd broken the cardinal rule... always.. ALWAYS have a spare clip on you.

I ran back to get my spare clip and by the time I got back, he'd hauled his stinky ass to the woods at the far side of the cemetery, safely out of distance.

He has made himself a nice home behind the barn. It's dry from the rain and he has a good close supply of berries and grubs to eat.

But Pepe must die.

I cannot have this.

Pepe has not respected the circle.

Stay tuned. Hilarity will ensue.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kelli's reaction/levitation trick does not surprise me in the least. And it's cool you live next door to a cemetery. I live across the road from one!

And... drip.

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh sure, NOW there's a gun. All we had the night I was there was a flashlight =))


7:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

watch out for sloppy seconds.

2:09 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

No.. it shouldn't surprise you in the least. She's devious like that. And yes.. very cool living next to a cemetery, though I'm not too digging the dead priest. Frankly, I think he wants to fondle me though I'm apparently waaaaahaaaaay over the typical age limit.

Well... YEAH. I didn't fully comprehend the mortal ass-power danger we were in yet. And seriously... we were so close to him that night he could've eaten from a bag of Red Doritos had we had one handy.

Loki... ohhh.. sloppy seconds. I'll be having none of that m'friend!!

8:05 PM  

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